My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service.
They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears... one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.
When the boy seemed confused by receiving the two bears, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress."
See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."
Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"
I'm glad my kids weren't idiots!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Baby Names
When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boywe're going to call it quits!"
Naomi's true name!
One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boywe're going to call it quits!"
Naomi's true name!
Curfew Crackdown
The curfew in Belfast started at 10 pm and at 9.30 pm the British soldiers were leaving their barracks to enforce it.
A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.
He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot the man in the leg.
"It's only 9.36 pm," roared the sergeant. "Why did you shoot him?"
"I know that man," said Private Connolly, "I know where he lives. He would never have got home by 10 o'clock."
My girls would never have lived!
A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.
He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot the man in the leg.
"It's only 9.36 pm," roared the sergeant. "Why did you shoot him?"
"I know that man," said Private Connolly, "I know where he lives. He would never have got home by 10 o'clock."
My girls would never have lived!
The 12-Mile March
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march.
We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
My kind of trek! I love those 12-milers, I can almost get to the starting point!
We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
My kind of trek! I love those 12-milers, I can almost get to the starting point!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Brass Rat
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around.
All of the sudden he spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner. He falls in love with it, so takes it to the cashier.
"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier "um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend
"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.
Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him.
He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased.
This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.
Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in.
All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The man ran back to the antique store.
The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"
Just for Nate!
All of the sudden he spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner. He falls in love with it, so takes it to the cashier.
"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier "um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend
"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.
Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him.
He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased.
This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.
Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in.
All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The man ran back to the antique store.
The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"
Just for Nate!
Friday, December 07, 2007
Racists and Lightbulbs
How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None -- they don't want to be enlightened!
None -- they don't want to be enlightened!
She’s Probably Right
At a wedding, the band leader polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be the old and Mrs. Perfesser.
So he asked them, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
Mrs. Perfesser said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right’.”
Everyone looked at the old perfesser. He said, “She’s probably right.”
So he asked them, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
Mrs. Perfesser said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right’.”
Everyone looked at the old perfesser. He said, “She’s probably right.”
You might be from New Jersey if …
-You ax people questions …
-You never listen to what the other person is saying…
-And if by chance you did happen to listen …… you don’t care …
-If you disagree with my agreeing with you …
-You say “youz guys” …
-Instead of saying “what’s up with that” you say “what’s up wittit” …
-You know everything about everything and anything …(???)
-You never listen to what the other person is saying…
-And if by chance you did happen to listen …… you don’t care …
-If you disagree with my agreeing with you …
-You say “youz guys” …
-Instead of saying “what’s up with that” you say “what’s up wittit” …
-You know everything about everything and anything …(???)
Johnny wanted to be an accountant
so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I giveyou two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Johnny: SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!
How many Jokes will it take for me to win?
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I giveyou two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Johnny: SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!
How many Jokes will it take for me to win?
Three Old Gents
Three old men were sitting on a park bench."
Windy, isn't it?" said the first."
No, its Thursday!" replied the second.
The third looked at the other two and said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Why anyone would want beer I have no idea as it seems gross to me. But Diana seems to have liked it.
Windy, isn't it?" said the first."
No, its Thursday!" replied the second.
The third looked at the other two and said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Why anyone would want beer I have no idea as it seems gross to me. But Diana seems to have liked it.
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